I have been teaching yoga consistently in some capacity whether it be on a schedule or as a sub for a year now. During this period of time, I've found I prefer to practice instead of teach. Mind you, I like and want to teach. The problem is I don't love teaching it, not yet at least.
Right now, I am very much aware of my teaching. There's nothing natural about it. It feels like the difference between watching a play in the audience as opposed to being a member of the cast. You know that feeling of watching a performance and being completely wrapped in the moment you feel as if you're a part of the story. Currently, I'm watching that play at a distance, completely detached, waiting for it to be over.
I am and have always been a hyper critical observer of my work in any context and make efforts to push through self doubt when I walk into a room to teach, regardless of genre. This becomes heightened when it comes to my teaching yoga. I've wondered if it's because I'm still very green. While going through yoga teacher training, I expressed my need to be "authentic" once I began teaching. Authentic meaning that vibe you get from a yoga instructor; that yoga teacher "vibe." You know what I'm talking about. That steady yoga calm coolness even when pushing us through a power vinyasa.
My room does not receive the sarcastically funny, mean but not really, Nyree that everyone who takes my other classes receive. I feel scripted, not comfortable with the lines or not knowing the choreography well enough but having to stand in for the lead. It's not a good place.
I was thinking maybe I should pull back and go back to only subbing for a while, but improvement comes by doing that thing your want to improve upon, over and over again.
To be clear, not here looking for acholades. How do I rectify this?